The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
