Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
