Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
