You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
