i just wanna soil my oats bro
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Randomize
