True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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