I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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