I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Randomize
