Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
