things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
