He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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