She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
