mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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