Christians are straight up FREAKS
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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