I accidentally had phone sex last night
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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