he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
