she woke up with a sticky ear
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
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