I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
