Pants 0. Shit 1.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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