I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
