So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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