Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
