Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
