You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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