I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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