my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
