I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
