i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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