life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
