have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
