don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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