i love accidental penises.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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