I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
