ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize