One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
