At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Randomize
