You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
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