Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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