Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
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