dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize