One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
