the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
