This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You dont lie about slip and slides
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize