i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
