summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
