I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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