Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
