I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize