Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
