so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
