Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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