If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
