I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
