I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize