im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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