weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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