the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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