dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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