He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
