I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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