apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
i now understand why vodka
I am available for nakedness
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
