You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
