I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
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