Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
