oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Randomize
