She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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