Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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